A new decade eh, 2020. I am hoping it is also going to be my new vision score into my future. Because my latest vision into my future has been dodged with self doubt, crippling fear, and some tunnel vision.
It's been a long time since I have had the presence of mind or capacity of time to indulge deep thoughts, long vision, or ask random questions of myself like, what am I supposed to do with my life? It's uncomfortable. In response to this uncomfortable place that I am in, I have taken myself out of the social media game, as much as possible. I have felt the need to reflect, and using social media had become that outlet over the past few years. However I was reminded that I used to write, a lot; but specifically when I was just starting out this public art career. It was one of the ways that I was forcing myself to be SEEN. SO, I am going to start sharing, my totally uncomfortable place, perhaps it is self indulgent but what I have come to learn, my process and the way I have shared it, has helped you. I am taking a leap again. See you on the other side of this discovery.
I am reminded by the kinistetic muscle memory my own words, "I am uncomfortable"....#beenherebefore Feeling betwixt two worlds, I didn't know how to be in either.
A wee bit of context, it was 2011, I had a new body to manage and one that I had to come to terms with PDQ. Thanks to my auto-immune disease being totally out of control and which had just required major surgery, and which went horribly wrong, placing me into a tale spin of near death trauma and pain. I had a job in an Oil and Gas company that I might be able to return to, in time. I had just transitioned into long term disability, I could have done nothing. But amongst all these tumbling factors, I knew that I wanted to try again, to try and live a life by my design. Without the stresses of- have to's, must do's and should do's; but a life of yes's, passions, and joyful expressions.
I stumbled upon the words of my now fave girl, Brene Brown, her now viral video had been only slightly viral, it was still in the first months of its inception. I listened to her words on living a whole hearted life, with vulnerability and courage.. and I wept. I remember exactly where I stood, I had my smart phone at my side as I gardened, set to TED talks, I somehow found her video. Just months past the hardest days of my life (and not to mention my husband's), I would sit in the dirt, weeding or perhaps it was just punching the earth. The physicality of gardening seemed to be the only therapy I could withstand. Too many words with others provoked anxiety and rage; while the quiet act of weeding, and the movement of my broken body, under the heat of the sun, seemed the best place on earth for me and my wounds.
Brene Brown and her encouraging sound bites have always been a beacon of strength for me and they remind me of where I am in the storm of so many feelings. Her words steady me, some time bringing me to my knees, allowing me to keenly acknowledge that moment's 'feeling', sometime setting me back on course so that I can traverse to the next landmark in my journey to understanding my armour and my heart.
In 2011.. after the massive surgery and bout of sickness, I was determined to change my thinking and shoot for the stars. Staying small and comfortable in my old ways was eating away at my resolve for joy. I'd say one of the phrases, of Brene's, that summed up that first segment of my healing journey is, "Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen." Dr. Brene Brown
“Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.”
One of the first things I did, I shared that I was an artist. Seems funny to say now, but I never used that description nor did I share that I was interested in the arts/creativity. Most artists or 'creative's' can relate to that as we all have some huge shame in self describing ourselves as artists. I am sure that it is do to feeling the public shame of a teacher or other saying something deprecating in response to showing something that we created.
UGH> art-scar <SHAME
“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
I had always thought I was an authentic, integrity driven, confident gal... but what I was finding out about myself was it was a bit of an act. Putting forward the veneer of my truths instead of the real risky stuff. Each persons risky stuff is different, I fooled many with my best false foot. What was truly risky was saying that I wanted to be an artist, a writer, a speaker, a business person, to make and show my art, and see where else my heart would take me.
AND I DID IT! I really nailed that list for the last nine years. It was not always easy, and clear that I was on the path, but with constant self work, therapy, 'truly belonging so that I had a truly supportive community', and a massively supportive spouse, I have been doing it. Again- I reminded by the profound words of Brene Brown and recap this experience; "You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot have both."
"You can choose courage or you can choose comfort, but you cannot have both." Brene Brown
but.. now I feel really uncomfortable.
During the height of winning, I noticed that I was doing 'it' again...playing safe, not doing me 100%, burning out, and losing interest. I have been taking a break, to gather myself, I feel like I have been picking up the pieces for a few months. Like all people, we don't live in a bubble of self and it's inflictions. We have other peoples lives to contend with, in my case, there was an another surgery to recover from, major family health crisis x3, and an art business to run. If a person needed an excuse I had a few, but what it boils down to is what am I doing with my life? Mortality - especially ones own, has a way of sneaking into your brain and pushing the shit forward for you to evaluate. I think once you have experienced your own mortality, you get the warning emails more frequently.
So, I felt the desire for more money making with less risk to my health. More me in my workshops and classes, less about all the other amazing people. More art making by me. More me doing me. UGH> art-scar <SHAME ugh this again!!! Instead of just running wiht this decision it has catapulted me into not knowing. It's as if I don't know how to tie my shoes any more. I know I do. I just can't quite to do it so easily ATM. I am so not done with this lesson.
This episode seems to spell, V U L N E R A B I L I T Y. I think back to how good I was at fooling myself earlier in life, and it snuck into my regular programming again!! I put the brakes on hard. So hard, my transmission fell out on the freeway, it's been obliterated, I have no idea how to start again. It feels so hard to know what to do next. I know that this is just the fear demon taking over. I thought I had eradicated him totally but he is still running shot gun.
OMG. That reminds me of a drawing I did while listening to a workshop by Brene Brown, let me see if I can dig it up for you. Until next time..